The Perfect Sport

July 2011

By (Trying to Be) Anonymous — Age 64, Height 5’3” and shrinking, Weight ? (Would be commensurate with a height of 7’3”)

Karate is the perfect sport. Yes, I know that’s a huge claim to make. To back that up, I challenge you to name any other sport that you can practice with other people, any one of any age out of diapers can do it, it keeps you fit and is a good workout, it can accommodate limitations and injuries, you get to play with weapons and best of all you get to do it in pajamas known officially as the Gi!

And, no worries about body image in this sport. You are covered from head to foot. Should you happen to have unsightly feet, you will learn to kick with them should someone dare comment or if you are a girl or woman you can show off your pedicure and compare nail polish colors. If you have too skinny legs, no problem, sunken chest, bowed legs, thunder thighs, hunch back, knock knees, no problem; you don’t need to be self-conscious here. The Gi has it covered.

Karate is a very accommodating sport. If you have a bit of arthritis, bursitis, any other “itises”, a weak wrist, a trick knee, a bad shoulder, or acne on your shoulders, no worries you can still work out! No one will ever know. It’s covered by...pajamas!

If you have physical (or mental limitations) a good instructor will work with you. He will be patient but firm with the children, patient but firm with the stubborn, patient but firm with slackers, patient but firm with teenage girls at least once a month, and patient and firm with anyone carrying an “attitude.” (And, if you don’t like it or mess with him, he will throw you on the floor or use you to demonstrate on. One student called it “instant karma.”)

Karate also provides entertainment. It is fun to watch the guys interact in the dojo. Before I signed up for training, I just didn’t get it. Why would anyone want to hit, punch, kick, knock-over, throw down, and tap out someone? Now I know--because it’s fun!

The guys do things much differently. They really mess with each other. During a demonstration Carlos once deliberately got too close to a sensitive part of Sensei’s anatomy, and Carlos was already smiling as he was in turn thrown on the floor. He knew it was coming. Guys like to mess with each other like that; it’s how they show their regard.

I like to mess with people too. If I am being irreverent it is my way of showing respect. If I am not being irreverent I probably am showing my distain. Also, I find my sense of humor irrepressible at times and hear “no laughing” from Sensei. But that’s difficult because many, many things strike me as funny except maybe torture and death. So sometimes it isn’t funny in the dojo.

If you want what Sensei has (the training) you go along or he can ask you to leave his dojo, I suppose. It is, after all, called Martial Arts. Like a personal trainer his job is to push you further than you think or believe you can go.

If you are looking for an egalitarian or democratic sport this is not it. I don’t remember some of what I signed papers for but that part must have been in invisible ink. The higher belts are supposed to be over the lower belts as well and you are supposed to bow to black belts but I think some of the rules are forgotten. I know I forget them—not intentionally. So Karate can be forgiving.

I am way beyond the years (or figure) to look good in a tennis skirt or shorts. Anyway, I have a scarred up leg that was broken in five places and anything with much running is out of the question now. So, I happily trot the inside of the dojo during training letting others younger and fitter literally run circles around me. I love the fact that it is not a race.

You see, Karate is not competitive unless you choose to compete. Mostly, you are competing against yourself, setting your own goals under the direction of your Sensei and learning how to seriously maim or kill people without yourself dying from exhaustion in the process. It is quite a workout. Of course, if you want to compete there are the tournaments and they can be fun at the right time and in the right frame of mind. I’m sure Sensei would agree.

It is sometimes mentioned that some of the training is useful for multiple attackers or for street fighting. It gives me pause to wonder how others are living their lives and also whether or not I should be seeking out bars to test my training—and reason to drink and brawl.

A good Sensei is a good trainer and coach. He deals with much more than just that. He also encourages, “suggests,” keeps the mood of the dojo positive, teaches respect and tolerance. True, I have threatened to report my Sensei for “elder abuse” but that was in the early months of my training. Now, I only complain “he is trying to kill us” to my friend Starr, a generational cohort, who I encouraged to enroll when she complained she could no longer find her waist and was bored with the gym. Now I have company to share with the occasional feeling of misery from an especially hard work out.

In my time I have played many sports including tennis, racquet ball, golf, and is bowling a sport? I have killed snakes with my golf game and fallen over backwards catching a fly in softball. Tennis is fun for the mental game but there is chasing the ball. Racquet ball is a great workout--but dang it hurts if you hit yourself with the ball off the back wall. I was jogging before women’s running shoes were even being made and it always seemed like work, not fun.

I broke an eardrum attempting a half gainer at the swimming pool. I also passed the Red Cross Life Saving Course. During that test we had to swim a mile with all our clothes on, they tried to drown us and we learned how to make a flotation device by tying up the waist and legs of our wet pants and blowing air into them.

I have not played football, soccer, rugby, polo or cricket. None of them look like the perfect sport to me and in three of them you have that shorts thing going on. Rugby shirts are hideous and you don’t get to put cool dragon or tiger patches on any of them. Pajamas have lots of patch space.

I am reminded that most sports require specialized footwear...not Karate. You can do it barefoot and what is more natural than bare feet with--yes, you said it, pajamas!

My husband doesn’t want to take karate. He worries about getting hurt. I have seen injuries in the dojo. One student cut his hand at work, another twisted an ankle on a skateboard, one came in with a frozen shoulder, another with existing back and knee problems and all still train either working around or modifying exercises for injuries or if they are not permanent, modifying them until they heal.

I hurt myself in the dojo moving a piece of equipment that looks like a medieval torture device and tore off part of a toe nail. When the nail fell off I just painted the skin to match the rest of my toes! There was no ruined footwear and the nail grew back.

Contrary to what may be believed, part of training concentrates on how to avoid injury: how to fall, how to deflect a strike, how to react quickly and defend with arms or legs. I’ve actually used this skill when a heavy box was going to fall on me off a closet shelf--No.6 block deflected it.

Yes, I am quite convinced that Karate is the perfect sport. It helps prevent household injuries, is accessible to children and adults of all ages and abilities, is an awesome workout, it’s fun and best of all...you get to do it barefoot and in pajamas!